mentalaurora

12:37 am - Blogging and internet profiles

Well, these days there are so many things you can do online that eventually you reach a saturation point. Between Facebook, MySpace, LiveJournal, Blogger, and message boards, there are just too many things to update and post on for any reasonable person. It's even a strain for an internet junkie like myself. My latest endeavor is a blog based on Illini sports. With any luck I can parlay my message board reputation into a consistent audience for my blog. I have Google Analytics tracking the hits on my blog. So far it is disappointing but it is easy enough for me to update and I may have momentum by the end of basketball season. Meanwhile, now that I'm out of the pit of despair that is grad school, I have less need for the self-pity of a LiveJournal. I'll still use this account for comments but otherwise I recommend you check out my blog at http://illinijoe81.blogspot.com

Current Mood: satisfied

02:29 am - Things are better now

Nothing like settling in to a new (old) residence, getting a ~20% raise, and finishing a PhD to cure what ails you. The big self-confidence boost has also helped my relationship, although the new long-distance aspect is a bit difficult.

I have a full time job now so that is why I hardly post on here any more. I haven't given up on it yet but there's not a lot to say at the moment.

Current Mood: content

03:53 am - Despair and reckoning

"I have long feared that my sins would return to visit me . . . and the cost is more than I can bear." - The Patriot

James 4:

What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? 2You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. 3When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.
4You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. 5Or do you think Scripture says without reason that the spirit he caused to live in us envies intensely? 6But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:
"God opposes the proud
but gives grace to the humble."

7Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 8Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. 9Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. 10Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.

11Brothers, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. 12There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you—who are you to judge your neighbor?

Boasting About Tomorrow
13Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." 14Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. 15Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." 16As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil. 17Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins.

Current Mood: depressed

01:18 am - This song makes sense to me now

It sort of captures the internal struggle of the last week.

Shinedown - I Dare You

Hello, let me introduce you to
The characters in the show
One says yes, one says no
Decide - which voice in your head you can keep alive

Even in madness, I know you still believe
Paint me your canvas so I become
What you could never be

I dare you to tell me to walk through the fire
wear my soul and call me a liar
I dare you to tell me to walk through the fire
I dare you to tell me
I dare you to

Hello, are you still chasing
The memories in shadows
Some stay young, some grow old
Come alive, there are thoughts unclear
You can never hide

Even in madness, I know you still believe
Paint me your canvas so I become
What you could never be

I dare you to tell me to walk through the fire
wear my soul and call me a liar
I dare you to tell me to walk through the fire
I dare you to tell me
I dare you to

Hello
Hello...
I dare you to tell me to walk through the fire
Brand my soul and call me a liar
I dare you to tell me to walk through the fire
I dare you to tell me
I dare you to
Hello...
Hello...
I dare you to tell me
I dare you to
I dare you to tell me
I dare you to

02:24 am - Reading comprehension?

Educational doomsayers are again up in arms at a new adult literacy study showing that less than 5 percent of college graduates can read a complex book and extrapolate from it.

Interesting...are you in the 5%?

11:45 pm - Personality Test Results

IsTj (caps for > 75%)
The interesting part is that I'm 82% I, 63% S, 76% T, and 74% J. I already knew my personality type but it is interesting to see the degrees. I know other ISTJ's but their personalities would likely show a different balance.

02:20 pm - Commonly Confused Words Test Results

08:15 pm - Enneagram test results

the Observer Thanks for taking the test !

you chose BZ - your Enneagram type is FIVE. "I need to understand the world" Observers have a need for knowledge and are introverted, curious, analytical, and insightful. How to Get Along with Me Be independent, not clingy. Speak in a straightforward and brief manner. I need time alone to process my feelings and thoughts. Remember that If I seem aloof, distant, or arrogant, it may be that I am feeling uncomfortable. Make me feel welcome, but not too intensely, or I might doubt your sincerity. If I become irritated when I have to repeat things, it may be because it was such an effort to get my thoughts out in the first place. don't come on like a bulldozer. Help me to avoid my pet peeves: big parties, other people's loud music, overdone emotions, and intrusions on my privacy. What I Like About Being a Five standing back and viewing life objectively coming to a thorough understanding; perceiving causes and effects my sense of integrity: doing what I think is right and not being influenced by social pressure not being caught up in material possessions and status being calm in a crisis What's Hard About Being a Five being slow to put my knowledge and insights out in the world feeling bad when I act defensive or like a know-it-all being pressured to be with people when I don't want to be watching others with better social skills, but less intelligence or technical skill, do better professionally Fives as Children Often spend a lot of time alone reading, making collections, and so on have a few special friends rather than many are very bright and curious and do well in school have independent minds and often question their parents and teachers watch events from a detached point of view, gathering information assume a poker face in order not to look afraid are sensitive; avoid interpersonal conflict feel intruded upon and controlled and/or ignored and neglected Fives as Parents are often kind, perceptive, and devoted are sometimes authoritarian and demanding may expect more intellectual achievement than is developmentally appropriate may be intolerant of their children expressing strong emotions Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele The Enneagram Made Easy Discover the 9 Types of People Harper SanFrancisco, 1994, 161 pages You liked the test? so please don't forget to RATE it... but remember! it had only two questions!!! ;-) you wanna know MORE? so check out, what Wikipedia says about your type... ...even more you'll find in Google or do you prefer to You are not completely happy with the result?! You chose BZ Would you rather have chosen: AZ (THREE) CZ (ONE) BX (NINE) BY (FOUR)

08:08 pm - Intuition test results

More Scientific You have: 85% SCIENTIFIC INTUITION and 70% EMOTIONAL INTUITION</b>

The graph on the right represents your place in Intuition 2-Space. As you can see, you scored above average on emotional intuition and well above average on scientific intuition.Your scientific intuition is stronger than your emotional intuition. Your Emotional Intuition score is a measure of how well you understand people, especially their unspoken needs and sympathies. A high score score usually indicates social grace and persuasiveness. A low score usually means you're good at Quake. Your Scientific Intuition score tells you how in tune you are with the world around you; how well you understand your physical and intellectual environment. People with high scores here are apt to succeed in business and, of course, the sciences. Try my other test! The 3 Variable Funny Test It rules.

01:28 am - Looking Through Glass

This makes a lot more sense when you make multiple 11-12 hour drives in a month and are going through the career transition and relationship issues that I am.

Through Glass by Stone Sour
Through Glass

I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
Oh God it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home
Sitting all alone inside your head

How do you feel, that is the question
But I forget you don't expect an easy answer
When something like a soul becomes initialized
And folded up like paper dolls and little notes
You can't expect a bit of hope
So while you're outside looking in describing what you see
Remember what you're staring at is me

'Cause I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
All I know is that it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home,
sitting all alone inside your head

How much is real, so much to question
An epidemic of the mannequins contaminating everything
When thought came from the heart
But never did right from the start
Just listen to the noises
(no more sad voices)
Before you tell yourself
It's just a different scene
Remember it's just different from what you've seen

I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
And all I know is that it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home,
sitting all alone inside your head

'Cause I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
And all I know is that it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home,
sitting all alone inside your head

(Refrain)
And it's the stars
The stars that shine for you
And it's the stars
The stars that lie to you

I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
Oh God it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home,
sitting all alone inside your head

'Cause I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
All I know is that it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home,
sitting all alone inside your head

And it's the stars
The stars that shine for you
And it's the stars
The stars that lie to you

Who are the stars?
Who are the stars?
They lie…

Current Mood: pensive

08:07 pm - Overwhelmed

I'm not sure I want to post all the details on the internet, but things have been very disturbing for me today. Too many loose ends out here and I don't know how I'm going to wrap things up so I can move ahead with my life in Maryland. I've put so much time and effort into things and yet it's not going smoothly. I need to resolve some things that I can't deal with perfectly so I'm hesitant to act for fear of making big mistakes.
I need a vacation. Why can't it be now?

Current Mood: distressed

01:05 pm - A fresh look at the challenge ahead

I just read this Newsweek article which reflects on the challenge we are facing in the context of 9/11 and the future of the Middle East. I found it to be very cogent and convincing.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14322936/

In terms of a grand vision and long-term strategy, it is brilliant. I've always supported the Bush administration's approach because it does have a viable solution to terrorism. My problem with the administration is their failure to execute this strategy properly. The failure has been the inability to anticipate future challenges, plan ahead intelligently, and adapt tactics when they are ineffective. Valuing loyalty over competence produced a hackocracy which is bogging us down.
I'm looking forward to electing a new Republican administration in 2008 that takes this strategic vision and executes it astutely. I think we'll be ok in the next couple years because this administration responds better to scrutiny and pressure, and it's going to be getting a lot of that.

06:55 pm - Loss of Joe-mentum

Well, I'm now at a tricky part in finishing up out here. I need to finish revising a paper for Radio Science, make the requested changes to my thesis, and document my code for future generations of grad students. Ideally this would all be done by Wednesday morning so I can leave here with no obligation to return. However, I have about a month until I'm going to start working, so there is a lot of free time in the near future.
A problem I have is that my lease is over and I'm now living out of boxes in a near-refugee state. I still have my car and office, but it's a weird setup just to take care of day-to-day needs. I just had to pack and move a lot of stuff yesterday and I'm tired from all that too.
I defended my thesis about a week ago and I've hardly made any progress on my remaining research stuff. I basically shut down my research efforts on Tuesday because of having to move. Since then I feel like my base has abandoned me and I'm having to work as an independent to hopefully win this fall. I'm going to concentrate and hopefully get some Joe-mentum going into the weekend.

So I guess I can relate to this guy.

http://www.newsday.com/news/nationworld/nation/ny-uslieb0809,0,4600447.story?coll=ny-leadnationalnews-headlines

Current Mood: exanimate

03:38 pm - The second day of the rest of my life

I was going to make this post yesterday but I just didn't get around to it. I'm currently two days removed from arguably the greatest achievement of my life. I'm still kind of processing it all, but defending my thesis was definitely the climax of the PhD process. In terms of degree of difficulty and personal growth required to get there, it certainly dwarfs anything that I've done before. My own efforts individually would not have been enough to get me this far, so I of course owe a great debt of thanks to everyone who has supported me along the way. Chances are that anyone who is reading this played a role, so I hope you feel good about this too.
Anyway, there's a different point that I want to emphasize. Basically, as far back as I can remember, I've been in school. The thing about school is that there is a logical progression where you continue to work your way up to higher levels of education. Reaching the top of that has long been a goal of mine, and it has been perhaps the main focus of my life the whole way. It is a noble pursuit and I've enjoyed it. However, it has been limiting in some ways. Now that the summit is in sight, there is no singular goal driving my life. I am free to set my own goals for the rest of my life. There are no more exams to pass. Now I am the one who makes the tests.
Coincidentally (maybe), I also got my first paper published (at least one that I wrote and am the first author on) within a few hours of my thesis defense. The official publication date is 8/4/06 but it was online the day before. The paper isn't perfect (as I discovered during my defense) but it was still good enough to merit publication. Other papers are in the works (paper #2 has been reviewed and will be out in a couple months). So that's pretty cool.

Anyway, there have been some song lyrics that have been kind of haunting me over the past few weeks. It kind of both captures the remaining tasks for completion of the thesis document itself, research yet to be published, and my future life as a whole.

I am unwritten,
Can't read my mind
I'm undefined
I'm just beginning
The pen's in my hand
Ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words
That you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

02:30 am - Loving that third derivative

Well, it's been a week since I started playing poker with real money. So I started with a $50 initial investment. However, I quickly discovered that my play money strategies were worthless when it came to real money. Unfortunately, my losses seemed more like bad luck than bad play. Turns out that's what all the suckers think.
My initial play at the $.01/$.02 table had ended with me ahead a couple bucks, but my next try was not as successful. I tried to make up for it by exploring the $.05/$.10 tables, which is where I encountered the superior play I mentioned in the previous paragraph. Unfortunately my inexperience led to my going on tilt and losing $40 in one long night. So, I was down to $9.95, severely humbled, and getting discouraged.
Well, I returned to the $.01/$.02 tables and started to win a little here and there. I also discovered that I played better with multiple tables since there was less sitting around and dwelling on past hands. However, I still hadn't improved too much. I was playing two tables and was down to under $5 in the middle of a session when I won a huge hand all-in with a flush. It really created some momentum and I was back over $10 shortly afterwards.
I started climbing back to respectability quickly after that. Within a few days I was up over $20 and trying out three tables at once. Yesterday I started just under $30 and moved back to the $.05/$.10 tables. I'm not really certain of the exact timetable any more (and I don't have the data for a nifty plot), but by the end of last night I was almost at $40. Today there were some ups and downs but I finally broke the $50 mark again.
As my poker skills continue to improve, there is theoretically an exponential increase in winnings. As we all know, the derivatives of exponential functions are still exponentials. So that third derivative is looking good ;)

Current Mood: rejuvenated

05:38 pm - Creatures (for a while) - 311

My name is volatile
I've been this way a long while
I'd surely like to rest
But the energy gets the best of me
Check it out
It's been a wild ride
I wouldn't change a minute
I can't slow down inside
Guess that's why I live it
Watch it now
The years of mischief
Followed by weeks of thrift
I land on earth's hard face
No legs could keep that pace
And through the rest I sift
Is there ever a time?
When the state of sleeping willingly leaves my mind
Highly frustrated wanna feel elated
Come Monday morn you feel checkmated
You can be uncool and become the rule
Exceptions were made to drown
I'm not used to it, you'd think I'd be by now
The ins the outs the ups and the downs
I wanna make a mess
I wanna blow off stress
I wanna stoke the fire
Just creatures for a while
I wanna make a mess
I wanna blow off stress
I wanna stoke the fire
Just creatures, just creatures
It comes and goes and comes and goes
Sometimes I go a little crazy
Sometimes I go a little crazy just like you I do
I know what you were gonna say
You were afraid to cause dismay
Your lyrics switched around
The mixture watered down
And now a pointless display
It's something one won't understand
Unless they're in it with me hand in hand
Don't buy the fear don't buy that my dear
The things you love you must keep near and
Carry on and you won't feel withdrawn
Even if you're coming down
Sometimes it's wearable sometimes is bearable
I careen towards balance til' the glass is full
I wanna make a mess
I wanna blow off stress
I wanna stoke the fire
Just creatures for a while
I wanna make a mess
I wanna blow off stress
I wanna stoke the fire
Just creatures, just creatures
It comes and goes and comes and goes
Sometimes, sometimes
I get a little out there
Sometimes I go off
Sometimes just like you
Watch it now (whoo)
I go a little crazy
Sometimes I go a little crazy just like you I do
Sometimes I go a little crazy
Sometimes I go a little crazy just like you I do

Current Mood: stressed

03:23 am - Real Science

I'm about a month away from finishing my PhD. My graduate studies have taught me many things, but one of the main things I've gained is an appreciation for what it takes for something to constitute real science. Religion and philosophy have been around for thousands of years and contribute much to our society's wisdom. However, there is a different standard for science, and it is science that has contributed to the dramatic progress of the last 250 or so years.
First of all, science is only concerned with the real world, the one in which all humans share experiences. That explains why reproducibility is a hallmark of science. Since the universe is common to all of us, scientific experiments can be reproduced by any scientist and a valid result is not contingent on the experimenter.
Another key to science is consistency. New discoveries build on those from the past, and new theories can explain old results. The Isaac Newtons of the past could function well at the universities of today.
Science is tasked with answering questions, and a scientific publication must be able to withstand scrutiny. Good scientific papers are forged in the fiery challenges of peer review. A true scientist is one who welcomes questions, not one who avoids or ignores them.
Predictions, experiments, and observations are paths to scientific truth. Personal bias and opinions are not the key to progress, but systematic methodology. The true worth of an experiment is not in the attractiveness of the conclusion but in the elegance of the method. Proven mathematics and precise tools are the scientist's best friends.
One can be born an artist, but science is for the educated mind.

07:18 pm - From 1,000 to 1,000,000

I've finally achieved my goal at Pokerstars. Using the initial 1,000 chips they give you to start I have accumulated a virtual fortune of over 1,000,000 chips. I used the 5/10 tables to hone my initial strategy and to build up to my first 100K or so. I ventured over to the 100/200 tables and began to prove myself at the higher stakes. Thanks to some skill and some luck (the royal flush helped a lot) I surged up near 500K. I got sloppy somewhere and began to fall back to 200K, and I was discouraged. However, I tightened up my game and began a series of steady gains. After a long string of profitable sessions, I was up over 700K. I got a bit greedy though and squandered my winnings instead of banking and quitting. I was slipping back down to 600K until a huge run launched me up to 950K, thanks to a well-timed nut flush and pocket queens holding up at a loaded table. The final stretch proved difficult as I grew impatient, but finally I scored a key victory and broke the 1 million mark.
Now I've proven to myself that I know how to play poker successfully. As I get things squared away with my thesis in the next month and look forward to my new job in September, I'm preparing for my next challenge: the real money tables.

03:21 am - A little Carlin

Did you ever notice that? How many really stupid people you run into during the day? ... Look at it this way: Think of how stupid the average person is and then realize that half of them are stupider than that. And it doesn't take you very long to spot one of them does it? Take you about eight seconds. You'll be listening to some guy...you say..."this guy is f**king stupid!" Then...then there are some people, they're not stupid...they're full of s**t. Huh? That doesn't take very long to spot either, does it? Take you about the same amount of time. You'll be listening to some guy..and saying, "well, he's fairly intelligent......ahht, he's full of s**t!"

[This came up on my iPod recently and it seemed relevant.]

Current Mood: naughty

02:40 am - Who Says You Can't Go Home?

I spent 20 years trying to get out of this place
I was lookin' for something I couldn't replace
I was runnin' away from the only thing I've ever known
And like a blind dog without a bone
I was a gypsy lost in the twilight zone

I hijacked a rainbow and crashed into a pot of gold
I've been there, done that, I ain't lookin' back
The seeds I've sown, saving dimes, spending too much time on the telephone...
Who says you can't go home...

Who says you can't go home
There's only one place that call me one of their own
Just a hometown boy, born a rolling-stone, who says you can't go home
Who says you can't go back, been around all around the world and
as a matter of fact
There's only one place left I want to go, who says you can't go home
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright, it's alright, it's alright...

I went as far as I could, I tried to find a new face
There isn't one of these lines that I would erase
I left a million mile of memories on that road
And every step I take I know that I'm not alone
You take the home from the boy, but not the boy from his home
These are my streets, the only life I've ever known, who says you can't go home

Who says you can't go home
There's only one place that call me one of their own
Just a hometown boy, born a rolling-stone, who says you can't go home
Who says you can't go back, been around all around the world and
as a matter of fact
There's only one place left I want to go, who says you can't go home


[Guitar Solo]

It doesn't matter where you are, it doesn't matter where you go
If it's a million miles aways or just a mile up the road
Take it in, take it with you when you go, who says you can't go home
Who says you can't go back, been around all around the world and
as a matter of fact
There's only one place left I want to go, who says you can't go home
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright, it's alright, it's alright...

Who says you can't go home...
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright, it's alright, it's alright...
Ohhhhhh...
Who says you can't go home...
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright, it's alright, it's alright...
Oh
Who says you can't go home

[I've seen both of the main singers live in concert, and I can connect with the song a lot these days.]

Current Mood: hopeful